What is Sharknado?
By Jeff Schroeder
If you use Twitter or watch any sort of media, you’re likely going to hear about Sharknado today. Knowing that you folks are too mature to watch it, I bit the bullet for you and watched it myself.
I hesitate to write this because there’s actually a pretty good blog post right below it. This is written purely as part of my mission to make sure you hicks are up to date on current popular culture.
Let's be clear, there WILL be a bull named Sharknado in Denver next year. That's not a prediction or a request. That is a direct order.
Here’s a basic summary. All of this actually happened.
A storm hits Los Angeles and Steve from 90210 packs up everyone and heads inland to find his family.
The storm causes flooding though and that obviously brings sharks along with it. While in a traffic jam, they somehow get stuck in water with sharks swimming all around them. One of the dirty cops from the Sopranos is eaten by a shark.
When they finally make it to Steve’s wife’s (Tara Reid) house in Beverly Hills, she refuses to let them in because she’s mad at him. A shark comes flying through the air, Nova (a waitress Steve brought along) shoots it out of midair like she’s shooting skeet. Tara lets them in.
Tara Reid’s new boyfriend is a big d-bag and is being rude while standing by the window. Predictably, a shark flies through the window along with flood water. The shark grabs on to d-bag and is eating him so Steve and the rest of his crew attempt to walk into the now flooded living room and save him. They can’t save him and are almost eaten by a shark in their living room.
They get out of the house to where there isn’t a flood, the front lawn, and the house explodes due to the pressure of the water from the flood inside the house.
They drive along and the storm starts to die down. How do they know the storm started to die down? “There aren’t as many sharks in the sky.”
Steve sees a bus is the drainage lines below a bridge they drive over. He stops their vehicle to repel down and save each of the kids on the bus one by one. The bus driver is later killed when one of the Hollywood letters flies around and lands on him.
They drive along, having saved a busload of children, and his SUV starts sputtering. They smell gas so obviously all run away from the car right before it explodes. After running from their vehicle, they see water spouts filled with sharks heading for Los Angeles and realize they need to hurry.
While at a liquor store, they decide they need new transportation and manage to steal a decked out Hummer type vehicle from a movie set. They cannot leave town though because there was a car accident and the police have a side street blocked off. There is no other choice but for them but to go monster truck and drive over police vehicles while they attempt to flee the city. A high speed chase ensues and they manage to evade the police.
They drive to an airport to find his son. They manage to find him shortly before the tornado hits. The tornado sucks a woman out the top window of the airplane hangar.
After the tornado passes by, they go outside to nothing but destruction and one completely untouched helicopter.
The scientist in the group tells them that since tornados are caused by the difference in air temperature, they can eliminate them by throwing bombs made from small butane bottles into them. While making the bombs, Steves son falls in love with Nova.
Steve’s son flies the helicopter next to each of the tornados and throws the bombs into them, it works and it stop the first two shark infested tornados.
On the third tornado, the bomb fails and Nova is sucked out of the helicopter and eaten by a shark in midair. Steve's son cries.
After saving some elderly people from a swimming pool that a shark was thrown into, Steve loads the SUV up with bombs and drives it into the tornado, thus ending the last of the tornados.
Unfortunately, all of the sharks that were in the tornado start falling from the sky. Steve sees a final shark flying from the tornado toward his daughter. He starts his chainsaw, pushes her out of the way, and is immediately consumed whole by the great white shark.
After about 10 seconds of people crying, he is able to cut himself out of the shark with the chainsaw and then reaches back into the shark to pull out Nova who is still alive.
The "Dumbing Down" of America is almost completed.
I'm not sure who is lacking the most brain cells: The person that wrote that screen play, or the people actually gave their money to the writer in order to make a movie out of it. In either case, the IMDB rating seems to be spot on.
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